When I tell you my flesh has been screaming for companionship lately, I mean it’s been SCREAMING! The soul ache within me has been deceived into thinking that a human being can fill the void. For so long I used men to ease the pain, so my flesh is craving what it’s used to. But now in this new season of my life I desire to make different choices and heal, but my flesh is fighting with such tenacity and vigor. The internal battle that’s raging within me is almost unbearable at times. But if I want change I have to continue to let my flesh burn.
Today I watched one of Oprah’s Lifeclass episodes that I had DVR’d but never got around to viewing. It was the episode where Bishop T.D. Jakes was talking about his new book Instinct (the same book I mentioned yesterday that I’ve been reading). He said a lot of profound things that spoke to me, but the part that stood out the most was when he was counseling a woman who had repeatedly cheated on her husband. They ended up getting divorced and she was on the path to healing the brokenness that caused her to cheat. Bishop Jakes told her that she needed to get to a place where she didn’t need external sources to validate her. He said she needed to continue doing the work of healing and let it take as long as it takes. Then he said, a man shouldn’t have to save her just to love her. As he spoke those words of wisdom to her, I felt he was speaking directly to me. I’m currently in a place of healing from the deep hole in my soul. For so long I’ve looked to men to validate me, pay attention to me, and want me because it was missing within me. But what I heard God speaking to me through Bishop Jakes’ words was that I need to continue on the path that I’m on and keep doing the work. It would not be healthy for my healing to keep using men as a bandage to cover my wounds. Like Bishop Jakes said, I have to allow the pain to occur and not use people like drugs to fix the parts that hurt.
This is the most challenging storm I’ve ever had to go through but I know in the end it will all work out for my good and God’s glory. I have to stay the course and resist the temptation even when it hurts so that I can be a witness of what God has done for me so that you’ll know He can do it for you too. Be encouraged my sister and continue to just let it burn.
I’m reading T.D. Jakes book called Instinct and it’s really been ministering to my soul. I’m in chapter 15 and these words just stood out to me, “I see people wasting potential every day because they lack the determined drive to develop their opportunities.” Opportunity….that’s the word that leaped off the page and spoke to me. This current season of going through a divorce and spending time with myself is a great opportunity for me! How? Well, I get to examine myself and discover the mistakes I made that led to a failed marriage. I get to learn more about myself and discover who I really am. I get to spend time with my friends and come and go as I please. I get to travel and do things that I love. I get to learn why I ended up in unhealthy relationships in the past so I don’t make those mistakes again. I get time to become a better woman. I get time to discover and walk in my purpose. I get uninterrupted quality time with God. I could go on and on, because this season of my life is filled with opportunities. I just needed to shift my perspective and see it that way. I can see my life as a lonely, painful, and terrible space to be in, or I can see it as a fountain of opportunities for me to learn, grow, and live. I choose the latter.
What about you? Do you see your life as a glass half empty or half full? You can choose to focus on all that’s going wrong or the wonderful things that’s going right. Don’t waste your time focusing on the negative. Tap into the determined drive within you and develop your life opportunities. After all, you only get one life to live.
The past few days I’ve been dealing with feelings of loneliness. These feelings come and go, but I’m learning that it’s natural, especially when you get out of a relationship. The challenge for me is what to do with the lonely feelings. My natural thought is to find a guy I can spend time with for companionship, but right now that’s not what I truly desire to do. If I were to get involved with a guy right now it would be to fill a need, which isn’t healthy for me or fair to the guy. So I have to fight the urges and continue to heal, alone, no matter how difficult it may be.
One of the things that God told me today as I was spending time with myself is, “You have to learn how to healthily exist without a man before you can healthily exist with one, or else you’ll continue to be in co-dependent relationships.” He is so right. If I don’t learn how to be alone with myself, when I get in a relationship it will be all about what the man can give me emotionally. I’ve learned that it’s dangerous to depend on a man to give me what I can’t give myself. That’s how I lived in the past which caused me to overlook the red flags that were waving in my face. I was so focused on wanting a man to make me feel loved and desired, that I ignored the unhealthy characteristics he possessed. I don’t desire to live that way anymore, so even in my moments of loneliness, I have to let it burn and find other healthy things to do. I watch movies, play games on my phone, go shopping, read inspirational books, spend time with God by reading the Bible and praying, work on tasks related to my purpose, hang out with friends, clean up, visit people, or just relax and do nothing. Those things keep me from wallowing in my feelings of loneliness. Either I accept where I am right now or pout about it and fight the process. Doing the latter doesn’t make it better so I choose to accept it and find other things to do.
What about you? What do you do when you’re feeling lonely. If you’re like me and feel tempted to find another love, DON’T DO IT! Fight the feeling and keep focusing on your healing. Hang out with girlfriends, go to the gym, read a book, pray, write, go shopping, or do something else that you enjoy. If you want to get what you’ve never had, you have to do what you’ve never done. Tell your flesh NO and let it burn. It will pay off in the end because you’ll be emotionally healthy and prepared for God’s best choice for you.