Multi-Dating After A Breakup?

The Art of Multi-Dating

(Click on the link above and watch the clip “The Art of Multi-Dating” from the talk show “The Real”)

This video is an example of the reason why I felt burdened to start the Walking In Wholeness ministry. In the clip, Tamar explains her philosophy is, the best way to get over a man is to start dating a new one. Lies! (in my Tamar voice). I agree with Tamera and Jeannie about taking that time to heal because it’s not fair to the new guy and it’s not fair to you. Why bring the baggage of an old relationship into a new one, simply because you don’t want to be alone? Didn’t that kind of thinking get you into your current situation? And look what happened. So what if he starts dating someone else before you do? So what if it seems like he’s having fun and you’re not? The best thing a woman can do for herself is take time to heal. When you do that you win, because then you don’t need another person to depend on for fulfillment and satisfaction. While your ex is going from one person to another, you’re taking time out to take care of you. A healthy you leads to a healthier relationship. A quality, healthy relationship is so much better than just having any relationship.

Do you want any ole’ man, or the man designed for you that will compliment you and fit your God-given purpose? And if you don’t know your purpose, that’s even more reason to spend some time alone with you. You attract what’s in you, so if you’re filled with unresolved hurt and pain from a past relationship, then you’ll attract someone who isn’t healthy for you, because you’re not healthy. Then the cycle of unhealthy relationships continue. Don’t believe the lies that you’re supposed to move on to the next man when you break up with your ex. Love you enough to tend to your emotional wounds before dating someone else. When you take time for you, your perspective on what you truly desire might change. But how will you know if you don’t take the time?

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The Detaching Process

As a single woman, one of the things that I get tired of seeing is Singles events that focus on love and relationships. It bothers me because that’s not all we think about. Especially women in my situation who are newly single and want to learn how to live a satisfied single life instead of focusing on getting into another relationship. Or what about those women who are single and don’t desire to get married or be in a relationship? It’s important to understand that there’s so much more to life than being with a man.

I feel like my purpose in life is to help women learn how to become satisfied in their single state, whether it’s for a season or for a lifetime. If you’re like me and have a history of going from one relationship to another, it can be a challenge to become a content single; but it’s not impossible. It will be a process of detaching from old habits and ways of thinking, and developing new ones. There are some days when I feel content and satisfied with me, and other days when I want to have a boo. That’s normal. I’m learning to accept that everyday won’t be the same emotionally, and that’s ok.

What I do want to share with you today is the reality of the detaching process. How do you go from a life of looking for someone to fulfill you internally to developing a healthy, emotionally independent relationship with yourself? Little by little, step by step. It starts with exploring more of who you are. What do you like to do? What makes you feel loved? What painful experiences are you holding onto that you need to heal from? How do you feel about you? What ways can you make yourself happy without depending on someone else to make you happy? Who are you without a man? What does your life look like with just you? Who does God say that you are? How does God feel about you? What has God put you on this earth to do?

These are just a few questions to explore with yourself. For me, going to a Christian counselor has helped to explore these questions and discover even more about me. I also journal a lot to help express what I’m feeling. Praying and reading the bible and embracing who God says I am has helped also. You have to find what works best for you. The more I learn about myself, the more I accept who I am and see my value. The more I see my value, the more I see the benefit of being alone with me. And the more time I spend with myself, the less dependent I am on needing a man to fulfill me.

So as you can see, it’s a gradual process. During this process you may still talk to men from your past or entertain people that aren’t healthy for you, but that’s to be expected. The more we change, the more that fleshly part of us wants to stay the same and hold on to the familiar and comfortable. But continue to fight through, even if you have relapses. Relapses are a part of the process because you won’t get it all right all the time. You’ll find that as you spend time with yourself and accept you, the less attracted you will be to those who are unhealthy for you. You’ll develop an attitude that says, “I’d rather be by myself than deal with the foolishness.” It doesn’t mean you’re self righteous or anti-men. It just means you understand your worth and won’t settle for anything less. You will go from fearing being alone to embracing it.

If you find that doing the work alone is too difficult, I’m willing to walk with you as your Life Coach. My life’s purpose is to help you get free, so let me help you. Contact me at shavonmcarter@gmail.com for more information.

Freedom…

I never thought I would get here. The sweet smell of freedom. I’ve reached a place of contentment and peace within. The days of craving a man and longing for companionship are gone and now I can gladly say that I’m comfortable in my own skin. My focus has shifted from needing a man to fulfilling my purpose. My pain has ignited a passion with me. Deep longing for a man has been replaced with a deep desire to help other women heal. Experiencing this freedom makes me want to reach back and help other sisters get to this place. For so long I ran from myself, thinking that being alone was the worst place to be. Little did I know that being with me would reveal so much purpose, love, and acceptance. I am the best thing since sliced bread, and now I know it.

I thank God for this newly found place. It’s because of Him that I’ve been set free. He told me I would get here when He said, “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘This is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or to the left. Then you will destroy all your idols and your precious gold images. You will throw them out like filthy rags, saying to them, ‘Good riddance!'” (Isaiah 30:21-22, NLT). The more I followed His voice, the more He revealed who He is and who I am. And through that I have thrown away the idols (aka men I put before Him). Ahhhh, the sweet taste of freedom. Destiny awaits and I must now be about my Father’s business. I look forward to what the future holds. The best is yet to come!