Where’s my reward?

This morning I had a nice big pity party about where I currently am in my life. Instead of trying to describe it to you, let me allow you to peak into my journal entry and see what I wrote:

“I’m not happy because I’m alone and don’t have a man right now. It just seems so unfair. Everybody else gets to have one and I can’t. I have to continue to go through this stupid process. Well I’m tired of this process. I don’t want to be here. I want what I want right now. To be in a healthy relationship. I’m tired of being patient. I’ve been patient enough. When will it be my turn? I don’t like being single. I don’t like being single. Having a man signifies reward. I want my reward. I don’t want to pray and read and draw closer to God. I want my reward now. I don’t want to go through this to be the example for others. I’m tired of going through this. I don’t want to be here in this state. I want to be at another point in my journey. I don’t want to be here and it seems so unfair that I’m here. So unfair. Why me? It’s just not fair.”

I allowed myself to express how I felt and get it all out. And then I started to minister to myself, and here’s what I wrote:

“This process is what you chose. You want to be here to be different, to choose another way of being. You can keep lamenting over where you are or you can embrace it and see the joy in it. You can keep pining over what you don’t have or you can choose to be grateful for what you do have and all that you’re learning. You’re in a good space and you are growing as a woman. But noooo, you can’t see that. That’s not good enough because you don’t have a man to complete your puzzle. But guess what? You’re already complete. Your puzzle is already finished. There’s nothing missing, nothing lacking. You are enough. Embrace that you don’t need anything else to be happy. Embrace where God has you and what He’s doing in you. Not your will but thy will be done. You already have your reward. You have peace and you have joy and you’re blessing other people’s lives. That’s more reward than any person can bring. And if you keep looking to a person as the reward, you’re missing the lesson. And you’ll keep having to repeat this class over and over again. The new you is the reward. You are the blessing.”

If this post speaks to you I just want you to be encouraged. Be honest with how you feel no matter what it sounds like, and then speak truth over yourself. You are complete. You are whole. You lack nothing. “But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:4, NKJV

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