Where’s my reward?

This morning I had a nice big pity party about where I currently am in my life. Instead of trying to describe it to you, let me allow you to peak into my journal entry and see what I wrote:

“I’m not happy because I’m alone and don’t have a man right now. It just seems so unfair. Everybody else gets to have one and I can’t. I have to continue to go through this stupid process. Well I’m tired of this process. I don’t want to be here. I want what I want right now. To be in a healthy relationship. I’m tired of being patient. I’ve been patient enough. When will it be my turn? I don’t like being single. I don’t like being single. Having a man signifies reward. I want my reward. I don’t want to pray and read and draw closer to God. I want my reward now. I don’t want to go through this to be the example for others. I’m tired of going through this. I don’t want to be here in this state. I want to be at another point in my journey. I don’t want to be here and it seems so unfair that I’m here. So unfair. Why me? It’s just not fair.”

I allowed myself to express how I felt and get it all out. And then I started to minister to myself, and here’s what I wrote:

“This process is what you chose. You want to be here to be different, to choose another way of being. You can keep lamenting over where you are or you can embrace it and see the joy in it. You can keep pining over what you don’t have or you can choose to be grateful for what you do have and all that you’re learning. You’re in a good space and you are growing as a woman. But noooo, you can’t see that. That’s not good enough because you don’t have a man to complete your puzzle. But guess what? You’re already complete. Your puzzle is already finished. There’s nothing missing, nothing lacking. You are enough. Embrace that you don’t need anything else to be happy. Embrace where God has you and what He’s doing in you. Not your will but thy will be done. You already have your reward. You have peace and you have joy and you’re blessing other people’s lives. That’s more reward than any person can bring. And if you keep looking to a person as the reward, you’re missing the lesson. And you’ll keep having to repeat this class over and over again. The new you is the reward. You are the blessing.”

If this post speaks to you I just want you to be encouraged. Be honest with how you feel no matter what it sounds like, and then speak truth over yourself. You are complete. You are whole. You lack nothing. “But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:4, NKJV

8 Replies to “Where’s my reward?”

  1. I completely get this post. I’ve been attached more of my life than I’ve been single. I know now that that was just me being uncomfortable being with me. Just last night I was reflecting on where I am today as compared to where I was 3 years ago. I realize that I’ve been searching in relationships for what I needed to find in myself all along. I’ve always heard people say ‘love yourself first’ but it didn’t resonate because I didn’t hate myself, so of course I love me! It’s taken some ups and downs and trying relationships to understand that I wasn’t placing value and worth in the right places. I know that I will be blessed with the person who is for me. In the meantime, my choice is to be who I need to be for me and let the rest fall into place in God’s time.

    Sharing from my own journal last night: “Thank you Jesus! I know now who I am, what I deserve and, even more powerful, what I am worth. I am an imperfect child of God and He loves me despite my flaws. He will love me through everything and will never ever leave my side. What more could I possibly desire?!”

  2. Oh this really resonates with me. I’m honest with my discomfort but never have I countered that by ministering to myself. I will begin to do this. Thanks so much.

  3. This speaks to me. I remember when I felt this way. However ivwas in denial about it. However eventually I did find peace and fulfillment in my being single. Only to fall back into that place of unhappiness again. Which made me ask myself was I ever truly fullfilled in Christ Jesus. It made me examine what truly was on the throne of my heart. I asked God to show me and I was hurt when I saw it wasn’t him. After all the heart is deceitfully wicked who could know it. (Jeremiah 17:9)

    I thought about how long the Israelites were in the wilderness because of their complaining and the gods that were on the throne of their hearts And it convicted me. This is now my focus… keeping my heart and my mind stayed on the Lord. (Isaiah 26:3) Seeking his kingdom first and all else will be given to me. (Matthew 6:33)

  4. OMG!! I just went through this last night. Until I read what you ministered, I was more than willing to continue my pity party. It’s so hard to see what I’ve gain through the “being single” process instead of focusing what I’m missing from what I still desire. I appreciate these words. Thank you!!!

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