This is probably the most vulnerable post I’ve written since starting this blog site, but I feel the need to share this. During one of my recent counseling sessions we focused a lot on my relationship with my father when I was a child. My father was incarcerated during my early childhood years, so my memory of him during that time was vague. I don’t remember spending time with him, seeing pictures of him, or even much talk about him around the house.
As you can imagine, my emotional development was crippled during those impressionable years by the lack of a healthy father figure in my life. On top of that, when I was around 5 or 6 I was molested by my great uncle. Then, when I was about 11 years old, my mom married a man who turned out to be verbally and physically abusive to her. Given the unhealthy male interactions I had as a child, I spent my teenage and young adult years looking for a man to do what my father and other men didn’t….show me love.
The search for love resulted in a series of unhealthy relationships, which left me feeling more empty and worthless. Men became the drug that I used to suppress the emotions I felt from being a daddyless daughter. For over 30 years I’ve been silencing the little girl in me and condemning her existence, but today while feeling the loneliness and emptiness within, it dawned on me that she needed to speak out. So I calmed myself and let her have the floor, and this is what she said:
“I want my daddy. I want my daddy to tell me it’s going to be okay. I want my daddy to point out which men are good and which ones aren’t. It’s so scary out there. People can be so mean so I just want my daddy to hold me and protect me. I’m scared. Scared of making the wrong choice. Scared of making the wrong move. I just want my daddy to calm me and make it alright. DADDY! DADDY! Where are you daddy?! It’s scary in here. He’s yelling again! I’m scared for mommy! DADDY! Where are you daddy? Why did you leave me daddy? Did I do something wrong? I thought I was a good girl. I thought you liked me. I thought I was your little girl. Daddy…why? Why won’t you come see me? Why won’t you protect me? I need you daddy. I don’t know where to go. Tell me I’m pretty daddy. Tell me I’m smart. I need to hear that daddy. I just need you daddy. Where are you? Why won’t you come get me daddy? DADDY! Please…..”
After allowing her to speak I felt such a calming peace. That’s what the little girl in me has been needing to say all this time. She’s been crouched down in the corner of my soul just waiting for me to give her a voice.
I wonder what the little girl in you has been longing to say? Will you give her a voice and let her speak? She needs to be heard.
~Shavon Carter, The YOU Relationship Coach
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