What Do YOU Want?

I’ve learned how to treat myself like I’m insignificant. At some point during my childhood I internalized that focusing on my wants and needs meant I was selfish and inconsiderate. So I overcompensated by making sure I listened to other people and made them feel important and heard, while minimizing my own wants and needs. What I wanted and needed became inconsequential. I subconsciously told myself, “It’s not about you. What you want and need isn’t important.” As a result, I became silent hoping that people would figure out what I wanted and needed and give it to me. I dared not make it known by asking because that would be selfish. So I kept it to myself. 

But that didn’t make my wants and needs disappear, it just caused me to seek it in other ways. From men. I subconsciously told myself that if I can get a man to choose me, then I would be fulfilled. That would resolve the unhappiness within myself. Since I’ve never experienced what it was like to be chosen by a man, I figured that was the answer. So internally this longing and deep desire began to develop for a man to choose me. It became the underlying mission and motivation to be in a relationship. At some point I believed that performing would get me to be chosen so I became like a world renowned actress, studying my lines and perfecting my craft so I could be what I thought “he” wanted. But somehow I always came up short. My performance was never good enough to land the leading role of being “his” main lady. Each time I exerted so much energy but came up empty, which led to frustration and discouragement. I thought, “When will I I ever find the man that will choose me?” 

Well, this morning as I sat in silence reflecting on yesterday’s session with my life coach, a bright light came on and the answer to my burning question became crystal clear. There was a power leak in me that needed to be plugged. Men had become my source of power which is why I so desperately needed them to choose me. However, the real truth was I WASN’T CHOOSING ME. On a daily basis I downplayed my wants and needs which sent a message to myself that I wasn’t important. 

For example, instead of saying “hey, I’m not doing well today and need some encouragement or time to process my emotions” I just shut down, isolate myself, and hope someone asks what’s wrong. Or, instead of saying, “I only have a few minutes to talk because I need to take care of something or get some rest” I continue to stay on the phone allowing the person on the other end to talk and talk. These things may seem small, but it’s little things like that that sends the big message to myself that “I don’t matter.” Therefore, I wasn’t choosing what was best for me; not realizing that I was the one to tell myself that I was important. So instead of me doing it, I was looking for someone outside of me to do it. Power leak. 

So what’s the solution? Understanding what I want and need and letting that be known. Standing up for myself to change the message within that I am important. I matter. The only one who can teach that to me, is me. It’s the little things that helps to shift that message. When I want something, say it. When I need something, ask for it. Speak up and stand up for me. When I treat myself like I’m important I teach myself how I want others to treat me. All this time I’ve been on an invisible bull horn begging for a man to choose me when really I was yelling to myself…”SHAVON, CHOOSE ME!!!”

I share this wondering if you have a power leak too? It shows up in how you allow others to treat you. What do you do with your wants and needs? Are you vocal about them or do you keep them to yourself? Are you ready to plug that leak and stand for you? 

~Shavon Carter, the “You” Relationship Coach

(Let me partner with you in getting the results you want for your life. Contact me today to sign up for your free sample coaching session at scarter@walkinginwholenessllc.com.)

Fight For Your Life!

I still remember a story my former Life Coach told me that reminded her of how I show up in life. It was a story that her mom told her about her birth. Her mom said she was born early and had to spend some time in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) with other premature babies so she could develop. During that time, which was over 30 years ago, they placed oxygen masks over the babies’ mouth and nose so they could breathe. Her mom shared that when the nurse put the mask over the other babies faces in the unit with her, they would try to push the mask away which prevented them from getting the oxygen they needed. As a result, some of the babies died. However, whenever the nurse put the mask over my coach’s face, she held on to the mask tightly and breathed in and out heavily, as if she understood that her life depended on it. That’s when her mother knew that she was a fighter. She said while working with me over the past year, she recognized that same fighter in me. No matter what obstacles I faced during the year, I continued to hold on and fight for my life. 

Today I’m reminded of that story as I fight through the challenges of being single. I can choose to settle in a situation knowing it’s not what I really want or I can choose to let go and trust what’s unknown and unfamiliar, yet full of options and possibilities. The fighter in me chooses the latter, knowing that I’m strong enough to stand alone and wait for what’s healthy for me. The fighter in me says I don’t have to compromise or sell myself short because the best is ahead of me. The fighter says trust God and know that He will give you the desires of your heart. The fighter says love yourself and use this time alone to develop a deep understanding of your worth. The fighter says there’s peace and freedom in waiting and doing it God’s way, so continue to wait. 

I share this because not only is there a fighter in me, but there’s a fighter in you too! I don’t know what you’re going through today in your singleness but I admonish you to fight! If you had a weak moment and fell into old habits, get up and fight to get back on the healthy path! If you’re tired of waiting and feel like giving up, fight to hold on to God’s promises for you! If you’re having trouble thinking pure thoughts, fight to keep your mind on pure things. Sis, you don’t have to lay down in defeat. Get up and FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE!!

~Shavon Carter, The YOU Relationship Coach

Feeling like you’ve lost your fight? Let’s schedule your free life coaching sample session so we can discuss more. Let me support you in living your life on purpose. Contact me today at scarter@walkinginwholenessllc.com.

Did You Get Back In the Game Too Soon?

“Did you get back in the game too soon?” That’s the question I asked myself recently and will honestly admit that the answer is “Yes.” In my mind after a year of being separated and another year of being officially divorced and intentionally working through past hurts during those years, I thought I was ready to get back out there and try dating again. I was pleased with my growth and felt I was in a good place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I intellectualized where I was and thought I could handle meeting someone new. But, when I finally told my counselor I had been seeing someone for the past few months and noticed the old habits and thoughts creeping in, he said to me, “I wish we would have had some more time to develop a healthy relationship framework and explore that before you got involved with someone.” Although I was anxious to get back out there and try again, I see now that I needed more time on the bench to let myself heal AND rebuild. 

Where I am now in relationships reminds me of being on the injured reserve list in the NFL. This list refers to athletes who become injured and are temporarily unable to play. For some, the injury may be so severe that they are out for the rest of the season. For others, they may only be out for a few weeks. It takes approval from doctors, coaches, and the players themselves to determine if they are ready to get back in the game. However, if a player gets back in the game before fully allowing themselves to heal, they risk getting injured again and being out indefinitely. 

I can imagine the players angst while sitting on the sidelines watching their teammates play a game they’re so passionate about. The adrenaline rush they felt while playing is now being suppressed as they are out on hold, waiting to heal. The most pressing question a player might ask during this time is, “Coach, when can I get back in?” He probably pleads the case that he’s ready after seeing progress with his injury, while neglecting the fact that making progress doesn’t automatically equate to being ready to play. 

But just like the injured player, I too was growing tired of sitting on the sidelines watching other people date and enjoy their relationships. I wanted my chance and honestly felt like after all the hard work I had been doing on myself, I deserved to be in a healthy relationship now. I thought that being a Relationship Coach meant I had to be in a healthy relationship myself. Therefore, I didn’t want to believe or accept that there was still more work for me to do before getting back in the game. I’m now present to what my counselor told me months ago, “Your job is not to be an expert of the process. Your job is to model the process.” With that understanding, I’m grateful for everything that I’m personally learning about relationships that will help me relate to and best serve my clients.

So what are the dangers of getting back in the relationship game too soon? 

1. You may experience more hurt from getting involved with someone who is unhealthy for you.

2. You may compromise your boundaries and values from being so eager to play. 

3. You may be making decisions that are counterproductive to the progress you’ve made, which creates conflict within yourself.

4. You may be expending precious time and energy on this unhealthy relationship, that steals from your creativity and productivity in other areas of life.

These are just a few things that may stem from you moving too fast, but I’m sure you could add more. All of these may lead to prolonged time on the bench, which could have been avoided by choosing to wait. So what’s the remedy? It’s simple: GIVE YOURSELF TIME. When you’re healing from a past relationship and start to feel impatient, frustrated, and anxious, reach out to someone to help you process those emotions. The presence of those feelings is not an indicator that you need to react by getting with someone new. Resist the temptation to act impulsively because it will only be putting a bandage on a deeper issue. Seek clearance from more than just yourself. Pray and ask God for clarity before moving forward. Also, consult a Relationship Coach or therapist to get professional support in distinguising the best time for you to get back in the game. In the meantime, focus on enjoying the other areas of your life. The lasting rewards of allowing yourself time to heal, far exceeds the temporary satisfaction of acting on your impulses. So I admonish you to just wait.

~Shavon Carter, The YOU Relationship Coach

Feeling like you got back on the game too soon? Let’s schedule your free life coaching sample session so we can discuss more. Let me support you in living your life on purpose. Contact me today at scarter@walkinginwholenessllc.com.